Day 34 No Complaints Challenge
Day 34 of my No Complaints Challenge: Motherhood is one of the strangest, most challenging & yet amazing things that has ever happened to me. It tests & teaches me so much about others, as well as myself. One reoccurring lessons is that I have an immeasurable amount of strength within me.
Last Friday, Max & I had a full on meltdown on the kitchen floor. That morning, I woke up with a dark cloud over me (I believe it was my hormones). It’s hard to tell these days since I haven’t had my period in 2 years. I felt completely & utterly depressed. Both of us were feeding off each other’s energy which only made things worse. I put him in his crib for a nap but he cried it out for about an hour. This made me feel awful as if I was torturing my child even though he was fed, changed, and all his needs were met. I could not attend to him because I was not whole at the moment. I did not know what was wrong with me so how could I figure out what was wrong with him.
The fact that he cried in his crib, for what seemed like eternity, made me feel the inevitable “mom guilt.” That little voice inside our head that says “you are failing your child. You are not doing enough. You are going to screw him up. He is going to grow up to resent you & need therapy.” Yes I know this seems a bit melodramatic for some of you, but this is what most moms I’ve talked to have said they have felt on multiple occasions.
After I sat upstairs trying to get my shit together, I finally calmed down enough to go downstairs to get him. I apologized & held him but he was so upset with me that he started throwing a full on tantrum. This only made me feel worse. Before I knew it, we were both on the kitchen floor having a meltdown. He was throwing his body all over as I was holding his head up with my leg so he didn’t hit his head on the tile floor. I tried calling a few friends to calm me down (non of which were able to answer at the moment). Here we are post meltdown, after I realized no one is coming to save us. It is within myself that I find all the strength I need. I put on a song by Sigur Ros that calms me, breastfed my son, and took deep deep breathes, letting it all go.
A little while later, a dear friend returned my call and understood exactly what I was going through. When I asked if she has ever had a meltdown with her kid on the floor, she laughed and said “of course!” Mommas, be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself, you are doing the best you can. If you need to take some time to yourself, do so without being so hard on yourself. Reach out to others when you need help. Be there for one another without judgement. Take deep breathes and know that love makes all the difference in the world.
